2018: Thank you, next
I never thought I’d relate to Ariana Grande in any facet of life, except that we’re both female. When her song “Thank you, next” dropped last year, I actually thought it was strange, even though I loved the music video concept. Around New Years, I was thinking about 2018, and that phrase kept popping up in my head. It was the only phrase that summarized the year so perfectly for me.
2018 was a rough year for me.
It was filled with some of my highest of highs, but also lowest of lows.
I started the year in New York and ended the year in Scotland.
I started the year in my own apartment, and ended the year in a twin bedroom, sharing a kitchen with 40+ people, and living under the University’s rules.
I started the year in a new relationship and ended the year single.
I started the year bored AF with advertising and ended the year taking finals in Finance, Accounting and Economics (topics that are SO foreign to me).
To say the beginning of the year and the end of the year was a contrast would be an understatement.
But, if I knew most of this was coming since December 2017 (the breakup not included), why did it feel so hard?
I don’t think my expectations were realistic. And, I definitely planned way too much, way too early.
Having something so huge on the horizon, but knowing I had to wait nine months to actually start it was something I had never really experienced before.
Spoiler: It was hard for me.
The actual changes were much harder than I realized. Changing cities, countries and a relationship status in three months was no joke. Especially when my people were 5 & 6 time zones away, and it felt like too much of a burden for my new friends.
November and December were miserable. I mean, there were fun days and nights, thanks to my family and friend support system. But, on the whole, it was a pretty awful two months with more tears than I’d like to admit. I felt this permanent grey cloud over me, and I felt so angry all the time. To be honest, I think those feelings were around longer than 2018, but I just chose to ignore them. Or, blame them on other things.
I realized I was depressed. I have mixed feelings about sharing this. It’s certainly not to get your pity or sympathy, and I’m a bit embarrassed to even be mentioning it, let alone writing it down on the Internet. But, in the theme of full disclosure and “embracing” 2019, I feel it’s important to open up a bit more.
Almost two months into 2019, I feel like a new person. Or rather, I feel more like my old, happy self from before 2018. I’ve gotten the help I needed, and the month break at the end of 2018 was truly therapeutic in all forms. I’m obviously still learning and growing day by day, but I don’t feel or see that grey cloud anymore and I’m much less angry. I still feel sad about some things, but I’m more hopeful for others. I’m trying to lean into the hopeful ones and focus my attention on each day, instead of the future.
So, to 2018, I say “Thank you, next”.